Tag Archive: self reliance


10 years ago…

Today’s my father’s 10th death anniversary. And a lot has changed in the last decade. Strangely, I can see how it has made me a more positive and aware person. It has made me grateful and responsible.

His death was the biggest eye-opener for me. It happened as suddenly as it could be. He was preparing to go to his studio(he was a painter and commercial artist) and I was going to the movies. The film had barely begun and I got a call from mum saying that dad wasn’t feeling well and so I rushed back home to find that he was gone. He was there in the morning and then two hours later he wasn’t. I was 22 at that time. But by the next day itself I had become much much older. Wrapping up his studio was one of the most tedious tasks! Telling clients that he was dead, taking stock of his gazillion and half books, his instruments, drawing boards, giving away his staff’s salaries and asking them to find other jobs etc. I did all that. It’s sort of unbelievable when I look back upon it exactly a decade later.

My relationship with my father had always been strained ever since I became a teenager. My rebellious ways were too much for him to understand especially when I decided to be a full-time musician and not join an art school like he did. I grew increasingly distant from him through my growing years also because he perceived playing guitar as a waste of time. Till the time of his death, we only had a very functional relationship remaining. But his death still left a gaping hole in my life especially when I looked at my other friends with fathers and saw how protected they were. But that’s that.

What I learnt from it is more important.

  1. I understood once and for all the meaning of ‘not taking anyone’s presence for granted’. I don’t mean it in the negative sense but life is in fact quite unstable. I learned to cherish people and give them my best.
  2. My belief in the potential for change has been reinforced. My mum underwent a radical change after Dad went away. She has made herself into an absolutely amazing being who is now a pillar of support for many other people around her. She is open-minded, supportive, empathetic and far more evolved than ANYONE else I have ever met in my life.
  3. I became responsible. For everything. It used to get really tiring before! But now I understand the power behind taking responsibility for my own life. There’s no one to blame, make excuses for. I became my own best friend. I learned the ways of the world on my own. My father wasn’t around to teach me concepts of career, finances, wealth etc. All those concepts are my own today. And I am proud of it. So, I actually started earning very late in life. But I am enjoying experimenting with financial beliefs.
  4. I learned to figure out people’s intentions very early on. Right now at this stage in life, I believe that there’s no point expecting anything from anyone else but my own self. I say this with no bitterness! It’s a liberating thought. When things go awry, as they will, you have to stick by yourself. I have met a lot of people and interacted with them very closely and I have learned something invaluable that will help me to deal with life’s blows and tickles, effectively. I got exposed to disappointments so many in number and so fast that now the only person I truly depend on is me. It’s better to have this experiential understanding at my age than at 50!
  5. I became independent. I moved out of home couple of years back and I have been managing my life amazingly well! I would’ve never known if I could do that had I been sheltered from life by my parents. And I am independent and HOW! I do everything on my own. You know, the earning, spending, paying bills, buying stuff, repairing things, making music, traveling, cooking, looking after my health, visit a doctor if I fall sick, plan my career, plan my life, dream, go after the dream, invest money, secure my future…EVERYTHING. So in effect, I am my own father! Yeah sure. It gets tiring sometimes. But only sometimes. Otherwise I am busy enjoying knowing that I have balls of f*&#ing steel!! Yeaaaaahhhh!!

I decided to write this today because I wanted to know that there’s a lesson to learned and gratitude to be felt from everything. Even from death of a parent.

I would like to thank every person who stood by me throughout this amazing adventure over the last decade and made it possible to come through to this other side, wiser.

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The Art of Letting Go

I have been subjecting myself regularly to a lot of psychological experiments these days. Most of these experiments include adopting a certain belief and then observing how I feel and respond to it and then drawing my conclusions based on my observations.

The act of “letting go” as been a sort of challenge for me over the years especially in romantic relationships and even articles as well written as THIS ONE written by Marc and Angel, does not help sometimes to actually let go. We’ve all been there. The longest time I’ve taken to get over this one person from my past has been FOUR YEARS!!! That’s an awfully long time and I realized that it’s very difficult to get over a person who has especially made you very very happy. And I knew that I was doing everything to get over them sincerely but it anyway took as long as it did. Last night just before I drifted to sleep, an epiphany happened. And I smiled because I KNEW that I had hit upon the answer to the question “So how do you get over someone?” Here’s how:

  1. Understand that one person cannot fulfill all your emotional needs Β  No matter how hard they try, it’s not always possible. But at the same time, there has to be something to stay back in a relationship. If most of your emotional needs are being ignored/trampled upon, it’s time to move away.
  2. Just because you’ve spent years with a person, doesn’t mean it will work out Insistence that it SHOULD work has never worked! I know that it sometimes feels like a colossal waste of time and energy to run behind something that was never meant to be. But trust this: Walking away is cutting your losses in some cases. Don’t spend yourself completely in the hope of a miracle. Miracles happen because of our beliefs, not insistence.
  3. You’re responsible for how you handle situationsΒ  I know this is a cliche! In fact when going through a break-up, I always want to punch that friend who throws this line at me. But fortunately it’s true! I just realized why it’s tough for us to let go. We want this person to miss us. You know what that actually means? That we want to be valued. Let’s admit that it’s initially difficult to imagine this love of our life being happy with someone else. You know why? It’s because we want to be loved as well. For all the feelings that come up in the way of letting a relationship go, there’s an underlying reason for it. It’s hardly about the object of affection. It’s about YOU. You want to be cherished and the sudden vacuum that this person’s departure creates is a little unsettling. Do you know why we feel jealous? It’s because we want attention. The only difference is that the attention, love, affection etc that one needs is now going to come from someone else in the future and not THIS ONE person around whom our life was revolving till a few days back. Hang in there!
  4. Fortify yourselfΒ  When the mind refuses to work, work your body. Do a couple of squats. Move. If you want the best, you have to be your best. You cannot expect a sexy lingerie model to think you’re hot if you haven’t worked on getting rid of your belly gut. Ain’t happening! I’m not being shallow, this is just to draw a point. There’s an unmistakable charm and air of effortless confidence about a man or woman who’s self-made. BE IT! Build your fortune- that”ll be a story that people would want to listen to. Build your body- people will respect you and ask you for advice. Build your personality- people will ask you what you do differently! Don’t be that person who passively waits for the right person to come along. Invest time in yourself to be the right person who everybody’s looking for. Start today!
  5. It’s a processΒ No matter how hard you try, it’s not going to be over in a day. The mind goes through it’s own motions-sometimes wildly so. When you can’t take it anymore, it’s okay to cry. And no, you’re not bipolar if you’re laughing at a typical “people falling” videos on YouTube. Clench your teeth and go through it. It gets better. But it takes its time. Don’t rush it. One thing that helped me was changing my cologne. I went out and bought myself a new Ferragamo cologne when I was going through the letting go process. It helps dissociate at least one sense organ from your past. And it is said that the sense of smell is the most strongly associated with memories. If everything seems impossible, try this step today.

Be proud of yourself even to think that you want to let go and let things be as they are. Be proud of yourself to think that you deserve dignity and you’re willing to give yourself that. Be proud that you value your precious life. You’re already special. All this pain that you’re currently going through, will serve as inspiration for someone else. I have gone through more break-ups than I count on one hand(no kidding) and if I can get up again and look forward to the future, so can you! πŸ˜€

universe

I always always know when something amazing is about to happen. It sounds a bit strange since we’re only used to hearing how we know beforehand when something terrible is about to happen. But really, I always know about wonderful news. It may be because I do something very specific and ritualistic everytime I feel like I am stuck in a place or emotion where I’d rather NOT be. In that sense, yesterday was the last straw. I wasted my whole day sulking and terrifying myself about various aspects about my seemingly difficult life. I felt utter hopelessness in people and humanity, listless about love and relationships, insecure about my talents, afraid of what all these thoughts would do to my health. It was a terrible day which I had brought upon myself and I couldn’t get out of it. But then I got up from the bed in a swift motion and shouted “ENOUGH” at my innocent bedroom walls. I don’t know what magic that word ‘enough’ had or perhaps physically moving into a standing posture did it, but something in me changed. It was like a warrior woke up from his slumber. It was then that I decided to take things into my own hands and change whatever was gnawing into my heart. I closed the blinds, put on lights and music and started talking to myself about what was bothering me. I was asking myself questions out loud, “So now what are you going to do about it?!” and then I would answer myself, “I know that the only effective way is to do things within my control and let go of the rest. But it’s hard. Very hard.” Then consoled myself, “I know. I of all people know that it is hard. But how long can you waste time like this? You have things to do, wonderful things to achieve! Go after them now.”

I started feeling better. It was like someone with my highest good and utmost love in mind was talking directly to me, wanting to help me out of this deep hole that I’d dug myself. And then something miraculous happened. I started laughing. Alone. Laughing at the things that were hurting me, holding me down! I mean LAUGHING! It was funny and a bit scary because I really thought I was losing my mind. Then I laughed and cried a little simultaneously and then…BOOM! Clarity dawned.

I sat down and wrote in my book where I usually pen down poetry and compositions. I wrote this:”I have decided that I have finished sulking. That’s the good news. There’s no bad news. From now on slowly and steadily I will start renewing my life, start rethinking goals and work toward them. Fitness, music, wealth, money, love, my philosophy…everything anew. I knew I would be tired of crying very soon.”

And the Universe responded in less than ten minutes with an amazing opportunity for my career! Then in the morning I got a call for work which is to be done tomorrow. The Universe wants to pay me in cash and kind! And this is how I know when something awesome is about to happen to me. Every time I have taken even a small step in the right direction, the Universe has responded with such signs to tell me that I am heading the correct way. Every single time.

I recommend the self-induced laughter therapy very strongly. Whatever it is that will make one feel even a little better is good enough! It feels crazy at first. But hey, it’s not as bat-shit crazy like sulking! So, go for it!

I am currently relishing the silence and peace that has been brought by breaking up with social media. It left my brain buzzing after a long day on Twitter; and by ‘buzzing’, I literally felt that it was buzzing. Going away from Facebook and Twitter has been the best decision of this year so far!

Even more so because I am a huge fan of the Law of attraction and in turn of Personal development or self-improvement. I like to see myself as a deliberate creator of all my experiences-good and bad. And the last one and half year has shown me some great results in my career, interpersonal relationships and finances. I have come from having practically NO money to having more money than I can spend. But now I want more. I want to do much more. What was once out of my reach, is already my comfort zone now. And now begins one more round of thinking about what I really want, how much I want, what will I do once I get it etc.

And that’s the Work! Unless I sift through life-options, I won’t know what I really really really want. For this work to happen, a certain degree of quietude is required. It’s trickier than one would imagine. I know more people who have no frickin’ clue of what they really want(because they don’t see HOW they’ll get it) than the ones who know and are going after it. In fact come to think of it, I know only one such person who is deliberately living happily. And she’s one of the wisest people that I know.

guitarnotepad

So this quietude is IMPOSSIBLE with facebook and its other evil twin chipping away at precious mental resources. I also think that too much online presence robs one of emotional responsiveness. At least, that’s what happened to me! I am a musician and composer and emotions are my friends. Dark emotions are my muses. Because of my brain being re-wired to constantly liking or tweeting something, I was hardly ever present in my own life! It seemed impossible to sit down for a couple of hours and finish composing a piece. Firstly, there wasn’t any place in my brain from all that buzzing, for a thought to come and settle down. Secondly, I didn’t have the headspace to give thought to that settled thought. Thirdly, I didn’t want to go through the painful process of seeing the song built till its last chord; tweeting was easier! Everything on social media is so transient. One can’t get attached to any thought/event for longer than 10 seconds. And it was very damaging to the musician’s spirit inside me. I need to be attached to my song. I need to be attached to( at least in that moment) the person that I am holding in my heart as I write the song. Then I have to use my craft, which is chords, rhythm, melody, scales etc and rehearse and repeat the song a hundred times microscopically hovering over every little detail to see if it matches the feeling I want to evoke. It’s an emotionally taxing process. Ask any songwriter worth his salt and he’ll tell you.

Honestly, inspiration to write songs has not struck me yet, but I know that this is a great step in the right direction. I am practising guitar everyday; back to the basics and I know that that’s where all my joy and motivation lies.

If any of you have been thinking of going off Facebook, please do it. It will feel odd at first, but trust me, you’ll be relieved to be out of the black hole!

Wishlist 2013

These are wishes, not horses; aptly so.Β  This is what I expect from life in 2013:

  1. More wealth
  2. More health
  3. More conversations
  4. More memories
  5. More friends
  6. More travel
  7. More music
  8. More dreams
  9. More heart
  10. More honesty
  11. More integrity
  12. More generosity
  13. More togetherness
  14. More courage
  15. More companionship
  16. More meaning
  17. More laughter
  18. More dance
  19. More hand-holding
  20. More hugs
  21. More liberty
  22. More freedom
  23. More independence
  24. More offline
  25. More sunrises
  26. More mountains
  27. More lakes
  28. More trees
  29. More beauty
  30. More growth
  31. More learning
  32. More knowledge
  33. More compositions
  34. More poetry
  35. More satisfaction
  36. More bliss
  37. More blessings
  38. More selflessness
  39. More moments
  40. More communication
  41. More deliciousness
  42. More fragrance
  43. More security
  44. More fun
  45. More muscle
  46. More inspiration
  47. More anticipation
  48. More surprises
  49. More room
  50. More LOVE!

Creating is beautiful!

So! Apparently I am a carpenter now. One fine morning I realised that I was not feeling all that fine. I knew that I really wanted to distract myself constructively from some very bothersome thoughts. I drew up my options and one of them was this: buying an electric drill. As usual I put that on the backburner and went about doing things I had procrastinated for long: getting my car-insurance renewed etc. And as luck would have it, the car insurance dude’s office was right beside a nice-looking hardware store. I went inside and five minutes later I was the owner of this:

704036_10151360770923413_562735950_o

And after putting up a few wall-frames, key hangers and mirrors on the wall I felt I was ready to make bigger things happen. So I dismantled a huge entertainment unit last night, pulled out plywood that would make good shelves etc. and started to work. I needed a bedside table. I found these:

IMG_2749

And soon(after 2 hours) it was done! Check it out:

IMG_2752

Pretty neat forΒ  a totally untrained carpenter, eh? I think so too!

I am incredibly happy with myself right now. And I think that’s all that matters anyway. I can’t thank the Universe enough for blessing me with unbounded creativity!

Time to go out and buy some cute things to keep on my side-table πŸ˜€

At the onset, I apologize for my extended absence from blogging daily. Good news is that my 30-day challenge was successfully completed. Now working out is a habit and I can safely say that I can’t live without it πŸ™‚

There were a couple of unexpected hurdles along the way to the 30 days. For one, I was hit by a massive common cold attack that took some time to recover. But what I did during the time when I couldn’t get my body to exercise was, I ate healthy. And very very consciously.

I can already see changes in my body and I am very inspired because of that! Also, I took swimming classes. I have only attended 2 till now. But considering that I am awfully scared of swimming pools, this was a giant step for me. So hoping to continue that without making excuses!

Now I understand why they say that working out can change your life! There are so many hidden lessons in this whole process of working out towards fitness. Since the changes in the body happen so incrementally, you know for sure that one week of exercise is not going to get you to your desired goal. Hence patience becomes necessary. Eating the elephant piece by piece comes next. So planning follows. Sore muscles are evidence of changes taking place inside the body even if you can’t see it on the surface as yet. Faith in the goal, no matter how impossible, comes automatically. Also, personally I noticed that I wouldn’t push my body enough when I worked out earlier. But now I am driven more because I know I am making lifestyle changes, painstakingly planning my meals, avoiding falling to temptation to eat pizza etc. And I eat more consciously because I know that I am really giving each work out my 100%. So this diet and exercise motivation is now feeding off each other, which is great!

What I mean is, that exercise has now made it clear to me that with every goal in life, it has to be done in a similar way: one piece at a time, with faith, patience and confidence that it’s going to happen even if I can’t see “how” just as yet. I think, if I HAD to choose a religion, it would be Fitness πŸ˜€ Because it’s makes you an awesome person!

Now I am really feeling lost without a 30-day challenge. Any ideas on what it should be?

 

Day 18, Day 17

So I totally forgot to make a blog entry yesterday. But that’s because I was buying a new set of dumbells πŸ™‚ Also, my exercise plan is ready. This is what I am following.

Yesterday was a little challenging for me even mentally. As I was getting dressed to step out, I noticed that my belly had become bigger than what it was even before I started working out! I was a little scared, demotivated, negative about how I couldn’t fit well into what I was wearing. The entire evening I was very conscious of my body. But then the reason for the sudden bloating hit me as I was driving back! It was RICE! This was probably the second time only in the past fortnight that I ate rice for lunch and I don’t think I am going to eat rice again till I achieve my exercise goal. I read online about rice and stomach bloating. Apparently, rice “swells” in the stomach after absorbing liquids inside. Another theory was that sometimes the bacteria in the large intestine that help with digestion of rice start producing gas because of which this sudden bloating occurs. Whatever it was, I was feeling bloated like crazy! And it’s not a nice feeling. After all the workouts and planning the diets, it doesn’t feel good when the tummy protrudes even more than what it was at the beginning!

Anyhow, thankfully the bloating mystery is solved πŸ™‚ Also I have bought a Kilo of whey protein powder so that there’s a commitment to finishing it.

I am going to put up a lot of pictures today. So stay tuned!

http://www.bodybuilding.com/guides/female-20to39-muscle-building/training

Day 2 Morning Run

Woohooo!!! I woke up at 5.40 AM <insert *APPLAUSE*>, read for a while while sipping chai and was out of the house at 6.35 AM while chewing on 3 almonds on my way.

Today I clocked 2KM which I think is awesome for just the second day. Let’s wait and see what my shins think. Ironically I kept wishing I was lighter so that I could run better!

The morning run provides such specimen that are totally unavailable on the evening run. For instance, plenty of humans were walking with their arms rotating in a propellor-like motion; as if they were trying to take off from the ground! Anyway I felt relatively smarter than ALL of them since I was only trying to run, not fly.

Coming up next, a review of my new running shoes from Nike. Stay tuned!

Day 4, 5

Day 4 went away at super-sonic speed. I had a lot to do and ended up doing even more than I had expected. I practised guitar but missed doing most of the other things. I may have to tweak somethings according to my schedule so as to not end up feeling guilty!

Day 5 has begun late. And it brings forth more and more news of what a grueling month August is going to turn out to be! No complaints though πŸ™‚

 

And it’s my 5th happy day without Twitter. Now I don’t miss it at all!

Next update soon!