People love theories. Many of us have a theory about practically everything under the Sun. People love to discuss the ‘whys’ and the cause and effect of things. People even have theories about other people. And of course, there is everyone’s favourite theory of Homosexuality. Everyone you meet will have a theory about it. Biological? Mental? Psychological? Pre-natal? Pre-birth? Situational? Blah? Blah blah? Blah blah blah?

It’s the most interesting when self-proclaimed straight people spring theories about homosexuality! Heck, even homosexuals have a theory on homosexuals.

Today I am postulating a theory about heterosexuality. Why? Because I can. That’s why.

I think we are all born gay. ALL of us. And that our tendency at birth is to be homosexual. But because our societal structure is so warped, we’re not given any sort of choice when we grow up because we are apparently sperm and egg producing machines and our primary goal in life is to procreate and populate this planet with healthy off spring since our species is dwindling rapidly. And keeping this end goal in mind, society lends heterosexual couples its stamp of approval and scowls at ANYTHING otherwise. That’s not very wise I think.

Also there are then several benefits of conformity that this society bestows upon the sperm-egg alliance. One of them is that without having to do any real achievement in life too, society looks admiringly at the newly Spermegged( see what I did there?) ones. It earns them an unsaid respect. Have you met ANYONE who shuffled around awkwardly wondering what the hell to say when they were told by this newly Spermegged person? No! The reaction is always, “Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And always exaggerated too. Another GREAT benefit of being a part of a majority of the crowd in society is that there can always be dinner table conversation starters. Spouses, honeymoons, kids(of course), future, kids’ future, insurance, goals, marital bliss(of course. That’s compulsory) etc. Now if you’re a heterosexual who’s looking to get married, or a closet homosexual who wants to be in the closet but only exposes flailing arms at appropriate junctures indicating a wish to be married, that ALSO earns you a lot of respect in society. Society bemoans the dearth of suitable matches for these wonderful and fertile human beings. This is all very serious business. Apparently.

In this business of  exaggerated extremes of emotions of congratulating and bemoaning heterosexuals, where’s the space for asking, “What if I don’t want to be spermegged?” There isn’t.

Now give me ONE reason why I should not feel heterophobic!!

So if homosexuals are time and again accused of being homosexual by choice not birth, I accuse heterosexuals of being straight WITHOUT even a choice. Read it again if it’s confusing.

The next time someone asks you, “When did you figure that you were gay?”, I encourage you to ask them, “When did you figure that you were straight?”.  If you meet a bigot who throws “it’s unnatural” at you, talk to them about anal or BJs. When they tell you, “of course it was going to get over. Why did you go after someone whom you knew was straight?”, tell them “at least I have an excuse of being gay and so it didn’t work out. What’s yours?” Ha! You see? It can be a lot of fun.

To summarize my theory, ALL of us are born gay. We just BECOME straight out of no choice.